


Not Everyone Sees It

by OnceAndFloral



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Almost sexual assault, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, But not quite, I'm so sorry for this, It's cool now tho, M/M, We were talking about Jeremy's body issues and then this idea came up, body issues, possibly a bit ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 01:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10980861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceAndFloral/pseuds/OnceAndFloral
Summary: "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." -Confucious





	Not Everyone Sees It

Pain is usually not relative to itself. Stubbing your toes at the time can feel more painful than, say, cutting your finger with a kitchen knife while your best friend laughs at the time. But when the latter actually happens, it’s obvious that is one that hurts more. Knowing this, Jeremy was confident when he said that this was the worst pain he had ever felt in his life.

Heat soared through his veins as some imaginary being plunged a white hot blade into the center of his brain. The pain was all-encompassing, blinding him and sending his mental processes in all directions. He might have screamed or babbled, but he couldn’t tell through the haze of pain that wrapped around him like a blanket of flames.

Jeremy clutched at his forehead in an attempt to ward away the pain. Michael. Michael would know what to do. And even if he didn’t, at least Jeremy could hold onto him until whatever this internal hell was passed. He tried to walk, tried to move, but his legs _wouldn’t listen._ God, everyone was staring at him, the ugly little freak screaming in the middle of the mall. Hot tears pricked at his eyes, threatening to spill down his cheeks. _Where was Michael?_

And just like that the pain stopped. Gone as if it hadn’t been there, only leaving an uncomfortable buzzing throughout his entire body. Jeremy blinked away the tears. What happened?

“Jeremy Heere…” A strange voice echoed in his ears. He whipped around, looking for the source. “Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor.

“Your squip.”

A strange man appeared in front of Jeremy. He looked fairly normal, save for… a few special quirks. Bright blue squares and cubes blinked around him like glitches whenever he moved, and instead of veins under his skin there was a circuit board pattern of a similar color. His face, however, was painfully familiar.

“You look like Keanu Reeves.”

The man pulled a sour face. “You obviously don’t like this form. Very well. I’ll choose one that you’re more likely to listen to after some deliberation.”

Jeremy started stuttering to try and come up with something to say. The man did not like this. “Stop. Your stammering is incredibly unattractive, hardly anyone will like you if you keep that up.” He shut up. “Good. Now, as I mentioned, I am your squip. I’m here to improve your behavior and your… appearance.” Jeremy flinched at the way he said “appearance.”

“Now, take your hands out of your pockets and let’s go get you a new shirt.”

“Wh-what wrong with my old-” Jeremy flinched as a sharp pain flew up his spine, causing him to straighten his back. “What was that?!”

“Spinal stimulation. You were slouching. That’s hardly attractive to those around you.” The squip glided in front of him, leading the way to the clothing store. “I suggest you don’t question me and just comply with my orders. It will make things much easier and simpler.”

Jeremy bit down on his lip, concentrating on not letting his habits take over his posture. It felt very strange to not have his hands in his pockets when he was surrounded by people. Like he should be doing something with them other than having his hands just hanging at his side.

It didn’t work. Jeremy ending up slouching and was rewarded with another shock and an aggravated sigh. “Everything about you is so terrible.” Jeremy felt a bit of bile rise in his throat. “Truly, a better phrase to describe my feelings is that everything about you makes me want to die. And I am literally a part of you now.”

Jeremy heard himself let out a choked noise. The squip seemed to notice. “Everyone in the mall likely thinks you’re a slob.”

He was right. Jeremy already knew he was ugly, and he could feel everyone’s eyes burning holes into him. The glass fronts of the stores reflected his pale skin, dull messy hair and his face… Jeremy forced himself to look forward. Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don’t think about it…

“Jeremy.” The squip raised an eyebrow. “We reached the clothing store.”

“We did?”

“Yes. Stop daydreaming so much, it’s another unattractive quality.” _Another unattractive quality._ “Try on the Eminem shirt.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“The changing rooms have mirrors.”

“...Yes, they normally do. The point of changing rooms are to see how articles of clothing look on you.”

“I don’t… I don’t like mirrors. I don’t like looking at myself.”

“I can see why.” That phrase hit Jeremy like a punch to the gut. “Fine then. Pick out a shirt yourself. Let me assess how much help you need.”

Jeremy’s hand wandered over to a plain shirt in a shade of pastel blue he rather liked.

“That’s a girl’s shirt.”

* * *

“Why didn’t you take the ride?” The squip snarled. Jeremy felt words get caught in his throat like it was coated in soured honey.

“I have t-to… to m-meet Michael, we’re supposed to-”

“Michael left without you.”

A beat. “Wh-what.”

“I can access the security cameras.” The squip leaned over menacingly. “Frankly, it’s easy to see why. Who’d want to hang out with someone as ugly as you?”

All of the air rushed out of Jeremy’s lungs. _Oh_. The squip stepped back a bit, crossing his arms. “Well then. I see how we can fix this.” The little blue glitches multiplied and obscured the computer’s form from his view. When they cleared away, Jeremy was left with a disgustingly familiar sight.

The squip’s form had changed to that of Jeremy himself. He tried to tear away from gaze from the dark undereye bags from lack of sleep, the cheeks that were much too hollow for his liking. This was just as bad, maybe worse than mirrors. The squip stared into his eyes. “I can see why you hate this body. It's terrible.” _No_. ”If this is going to work, you’re going to have to _obey._ Repeat after me.

“Everything about you is so terrible.”

He choked back a sob. “Everything about me is so terrible.” It was very easy to say that when Jeremy was looking at himself, at every little detail he loathed.

“Good. Everything about you makes me want to die.”

It was even easier the second time around. “Everything about me makes me want to die.”

The squip smiled. _Jeremy’s smile_. The smile he hated. “You’re getting it now. Don’t worry Jeremy. I’m going to fix you. People will love you. You’ll be included.” He stepped a bit closer. “You won’t be ugly anymore.”

Right. The squip was here to help. Michael would still want to hang out with him, Christine would go out with him. Or at least consider it. He was doing this for them

* * *

“Jeremy, just look in the mirror.” The squip said in exasperation. Jeremy shook his head vehemently. “ _Jeremy_.”

A shock struck his spine and his eyes snapped open. Jeremy bit down as hard as he could on his lip. The squip had forced him to take off his shirt, letting his scrawny body be displayed in full view. Jesus, he was really unappealing. You could see his ribs poking through his skin, and red marks from the repeated electrocution to his spine were beginning to creep around his stomach from his back.

“The scars look fine, Jeremy.” The squip huffed. He clicked his tongue. “We still have a very long way to go.”

“You’re telling me.” Jeremy said quietly. Bitterly. Wishing he didn’t have to look at himself every day. Every minute. The squip rarely went more than a few seconds without being in Jeremy's sight somehow. And it was painful.

He never thought he was good or even average looking but now constantly seeing himself and being reassured his fears were true… It was really taking a toll on him. Jeremy hadn't even seen Michael at school for the day or two he'd been there. The squip was right, he'd realized how hideous Jeremy was and he left. Jeremy's fingers clenched around the edge of the sink, tears falling silently onto the porcelain. 

“Don't cry. You're an ugly crier.”

A harsh sob ripped itself out of his chest. He gasped for breath, dragging one hand through his hair. The curls were greasy, more from being a teenager than lack of care. He missed his best friend. So much. And it was his fault he left. 

“Jeremy, stop fidgeting.” The squip sounded like he was taking care of an annoying child. Maybe he was. That's what Jeremy was, a nuisance, a scared little kid. Except he didn't even have the endearing qualities of a kid. “If you don't stop yourself, I'll make you stop.”

He pulled himself together, taking in shaky breaths and burying his face in a towel to dry the tears. This was fine. It was fine.”

* * *

Masturbation was no longer a problem, as Jeremy had become disgusted with touching himself. Any part of himself. He still ran his hands through his hair sometimes but whenever he did that we was rewarded with a shock. Either way, Jeremy felt uncomfortable living in his own skin. The squip was a constant reminder of how disgusting he was, both verbally and visually.

Appearance Checks became a daily theme. There was a time where Jeremy was forced to look in a mirror while the squip pointed out everything they needed to fix. There was a lot, ranging from acne to glazed eyes. The last one bugged him. Jeremy could have sworn his eyes weren't always so… Dull. It usually ended with “Don't worry, Jeremy, I'll fix it. You'll be beautiful.” And God did he want that. 

At the moment the squip was chewing him out for not taking the next step with Brooke. Jeremy was almost disassociating from his brain telling him one thing, and this exact copy telling him he wanted to do this. It was ripping him in half, pulling him apart and unraveling at the seams.

“Can't you just turn off?!” Jeremy wailed. A short beat of silence.

“Of course.”Jerem- the squip. That was the squip that disappeared, only to be replaced with…

“M-Michael?” Jeremy felt his throat close up. This was it, Michael had finally decided to come up to him and tell Jeremy that it was over, that he hated him.

“You're not… You're not ignoring me?” Michael grinned a bit. The expression quickly faded. 

What? Jeremy hadn't been ignoring Michael.

“It's called optic nerve blocking.” Jeremy nearly jumped out of his skin as the squip reappeared next to him. “I've been blocking Michael from your field of vision.”

“Why?”

“You don't want him to make fun of you do you?” The squip gestured to himself. “I mean, look at you. It's a miracle he hadn't left you before. Besides, his coddling of you will get you nowhere.”

“What's up with you? You've been acting weird ever since the mall and you ditched me and…” His eyes widen. “The squip. It worked, didn't it?”

Jeremy flinched. Michael was mad at him, he didn't want that. The taller teenager started rambling on about something, but Jeremy was too busy trying not to curl in on himself. God he just wanted it to stop. He could get better for Michael, for himself, he just needed _time_.

“I can turn the optic nerve blocking on again if you'd like.” The squip said gently. 

“Please.” Jeremy croaked. “Please just get rid of it.”

* * *

Chloe was straddling him, and Jeremy was panicking. He was hyper aware of every touch, of how wrong his own body felt. And he couldn't stand up, he couldn't stop it. _He didn't want to do this_.

“Jeremy stop struggling.” The squip said in annoyance. “Chloe's very high on the social ladder and she's willing to look past your physical appearance for this.”

“N-no! I don't want to-!” Jeremy was cut off as the squip forced him to take a drink out of Chloe’s fake flask. The alcohol burned his throat, mingling with the tears that had slipped down his face and rested at the corners of his lips. He was hyperventilating. He was going to pass out and then-

Jeremy felt feeling return to his legs as the squip started babbling in… Was that Japanese? He shoved Chloe away, falling off the bed and hitting his head on the floor. Or maybe it was the dresser next to the bed.

He stood up, pressing his back to the wall as he started at his shaking, spindly fingers. Everything felt wrong, like he was a puzzle piece forced into the wrong place, uncomfortable and marring the rest of the work. Jeremy choked out an apology as a ran out of the room.

He made a beeline straight for the bathroom. The squip had disappeared, likely turned itself off. Jeremy tore off the jacket, pulled out the bobby pins holding his hair back. There had to be something he could do to chase away this feeling of utter _wrongness_.

Jeremy slammed the door shut, turning on the faucet a bit too harshly. He splashed water on his face, taking deep, shuddering breaths. Then he looked up into the mirror.

He hated what he saw. It was so easy to see why people hated him too. And now this face was connected to the… the _thing_ that had shocked him, berated him, almost forced him to-

The teenager rushed to the toilet as the contents of his stomach rose up his throat. He gagged on the sour taste. How disgusting was he, vomiting at the sight of himself? Talk about pathetic. Pitiful.

“Jeremy?” Oh god someone was in here with him. They saw him in such a fucking wreck, eyes red and puffy with tears, chest shaking as he struggled with every breath. “Oh god, what happened to you?”

It took him a while to find the source of the voice. Jeremy's eyes got settled on the bathtub, where Michael was sitting with a horrified expression. 

“I’m sorry I'm not good enough for you.” Jeremy choked on every syllable. Jesus, his voice was terrible. 

“What would ever make you think that?” Michael looked so confused.

“Because I _am_. God damn it, I don't even blame you for leaving me.” 

“No, Jer, I would never…” Michael's expression hardened. “The squip. Fuck, why didn't I see this coming?”

He crawled out if the tub. Jeremy backed away, trying to increase the distance. There was nothing more in that moment that Jeremy wanted to do than wrap his arms around Michael's neck but he would hate Jeremy if he did that.

“Listen, Jeremy squips are bad news. This one guy went insane trying to get his out and-”

“You want me to… get of the squip?” Jeremy said slowly.

“Yea, it's obviously taking a huge toll on you. I care about you.”

Panic rose in his stomach. “But I need it. I need to get better. So people don't hate me. So _I_ don't hate me.”

“Jeremy, wait-”

“You know what I see when I look in the mirror?! I see a pathetic l- _loser_. I want to fucking die, I hate myself so much. And this is my chance! The squip says I can be better, for you. And I'm going to fucking take this chance!”

Jeremy yanked the door open. He needed a drink, if only to not see the ghastly vision of himself for a few minutes.

* * *

“You insolent little-!” The squip broke off as Jeremy struggled away from the mass of squipped students, clutching the nearly empty bottle of Mountain Dew Red to his chest. His reminder that Michael was here for him. “Jeremy, wait!”

He looked at the squip, at the body he hated so much. Glared as hard as he could. “What do you fucking want?”

“If you take that you'll never get to be with him!” 

Jeremy froze. The squip glitched over, and when it dissipated he was still in Jeremy's form but he was different.

The bags under his eyes had smoothed out, the unruly curls became a much more attractive style. His skin was free of blemishes and his frame was less scrawny, more healthy. His eyes… they weren't glassy and dull like they had been for the past few months. “We could fix you. Michael will love you. I'm in your brain, Jeremy, I know how you feel.”

“I can- I can do it without you.”

“Can you?” The squip stepped closer. “You don't have the confidence to look in a mirror without my help. You still try to fidget, and your communication skills…” he scoffed. “They could use some work, and that's being kind.”

The squip was almost close enough to touch him. “Just put it down, and you could be beautiful.”

Jeremy felt his fingers tense around the bottle. He could… be good… for Michael. For him. But…

Not like this.

Jeremy had lied when he told himself the squip implanting itself in his brain was the worst pain he would ever physically feel. He was wrong. It was when the Mountain Dew Red sang through his system, burning away the squip. He knew he screamed this time. It was all he could do. 

His legs gave out underneath him. Someone wrapped their arms around him, running their fingers through his hair. The pain dipped for a moment, and then soared to a peak. Unconsciousness wrapped itself around him, bliss compared to the agony under his skin.

* * *

Michael was there when he woke up in the hospital. Everything was good, it was fine, it was-

Jeremy caught a glimpse of his reflection in the window and started sobbing uncontrollably. Michael rushed over, hugging Jeremy to his chest and whispering frantic comforts into his ear. 

“It's so b-bad Michael.”

“I know, I know. It's going to be okay, Jer. Maybe not today, but it's going to be okay one day.”

The two didn't move until Mr. Heere entered the room. Thankfully wearing pants. He left a small bouquet of lilacs on the side table, gently patting his son’s shoulder.

“You two have a lot you need to talk about.” He said quietly. Jeremy nodded in agreement as he walked out of the room. 

They did have a lot they needed to talk about. But that could wait for just a little bit while the two just enjoyed each other's company.

* * *

All reflective surfaces in the Heere establishment and the Mell basement had been covered. Every time Jeremy met Michael the stoner would give him a quick kiss on the cheek and say something along the lines of “You look great today” or “Looking good.” It actually felt really good to have small reassurances like that. Nothing big so that it seemed like he was making things up, but enough that Jeremy felt fine with himself for a moment.

One of the girls, usually Jenna or Christine, would apply make up for him every now and then. They refused to do anything more than covering up pimples or the dark circles under his eyes, saying that they didn't want his self esteem to become reliant on it because he looked great without it too. 

Jeremy's father had brought up therapy for body dysmorphic disorder, but said he wouldn't push him to do anything. Jeremy was considering it, but for the time being just being around his friends was helping him.

Oh. That's right. He had friends now. And a boyfriend. Turns out talking your feelings out over a movie night and popcorn was a lot easier than he thought. Even if it did end in tears. At least they were happy tears.

So things weren't perfectly great at the time. But they were getting better. Jeremy smiled, and for a brief moment, he felt like he belonged in his body.

**Author's Note:**

> Holy shit I actually wrote this. I hope you guys enjoyed it and that I wasn't too ooc.
> 
> Kudos are always appreciated and comments essentially make my week!


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